A Spark and the Dark

I really just need an outlet to gather my thoughts.  My family has some decisions to make that will possibly change the course of our life.  I'm sure its not as groundbreaking and earth shattering to anyone else, but for me and my little family of four it is.  It's stepping out in faith.  Faith which is so difficult for me right now. 


The last four or so years have felt like a tightrope walk through dense fog and forest.  Often we've ended up on trails that seem to have taken us off our targeted path.  We've taken twists and turns with courage and even excitement at times to only find that we made little progress along the actual road.  We've looked to God for direction and have stepped out in more ways than I can list here and are still waiting for miracles and answers to some really long sought out questions.  On the outside it appears as compromise or even giving up, but that couldn't be further from the truth.  We still press on, but our zeal is waning.  I know God has set fire within us for a passion for certain things, but while it is taking forever for those things to be realized, my faith is in great distress.


I want to have faith that can move the mountains.  Yet I feel the only thing happening is as I pray for the mountain to move a pebble may fall and now I have two mountains instead of one.  And as this has happened over and over again the mountains in my way are overwhelming.  I know what my God can do.  I know He is the Almighty.  While I know these things, it is hard to cling to them when I feel that God is so far from me. 


I know the problem here is me, not God.  But honestly I don't know what else I can do to reach out to my Creator for answers.  I'm sure I need to unclog my earthly ears so I can hear clearly, but with my crazy busy mom of two kids ordinary life that is so much easier to write than actually do.  I'm sure that is an excuse to. 


Does anyone know what I'm talking about?  Can anyone relate?  Am I the only one out there?


I'm pressing on...on my knees.  I don't know what the next day will hold, but I'm going to pray my way through it knowing that if I'm seeking Him I won't be lead astray.  Maybe it will make sense in the end, and maybe it won't, but I have to keep that little spark of faith even if it makes no sense to me.  Until my answers come I'm going to cling to this "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9.  Whatever my heart plans, may the LORD establish the correct steps to lead me to Him.